Recently my friend Sharon had the opportunity to do something very challenging. She was invited with three days’ notice to stand up in front of a live audience and give a talk in Spanish, her second language, to be aired on TV in Uruguay. Being courageous, she prepared and gave the talk, but afterwards instead of feeling elated by her success, her thoughts focused on the imperfections of her presentation and she was overcome by uncomfortable physical and emotional symptoms. Sharon had a name for this condition, diagnosed for her by another of her therapist friends. Many of us have experienced what has been termed a Vulnerability Hangover; queasy stomach, feeling agitated and uncomfortable in your skin, and self-flagellating thoughts that linger after you have stretched yourself to do something outside your familiar comfort zone. Even an event that goes well can bring on a vulnerability hangover as you dissect your performance at an interview, presentation, performance, even a social situation.
So what’s the remedy? Like the other kind of hangover, it does wear off over time. But here are some things you can do to prevent and cure a vulnerability hangover:
Prepare yourself ahead of time for your inner critic’s critique by reinforcing the potential positives for having taken this step. Ask yourself what outcomes and spin-offs this could lead to, what doors might this step open up, and most importantly, what valuable learning has occurred? Commend yourself afterward for taking the lead, trying a new role, stepping into the spotlight, or whatever the hangover-inducing activities is that you’ve just braved. If this is a new endeavor, remind yourself you can’t always be stellar on your first try and put it into perspective by looking ahead in your mind to imagine your skill level after you’ve done it one hundred times more. Put your attention on what you’ve gained from the experience rather than how you performed, and express a little gratitude for the opportunity to stretch, reminding yourself that this is how you become more accomplished. Replace embarrassment with pride that you’re strong enough to take risks.
You don’t have to recover alone, so get yourself a hangover partner. Schedule ahead of the event to meet up afterwards, live or virtually, with someone who takes pleasure in your success. Regardless of whether you think you flopped or flew, allow them to tell you how amazing you are. The best thing about a vulnerability hangover is that once you get over it you’re likely not to regret its cause because you probably gained something or learned something, and at the very least have a story to laugh about.